What exactly are you trying to accomplish?

As I do most mornings, I start by reading quotes that inspire me for the day. Today’s quote comes from my go to resource for the unusual quotes, inspiring quotes. In the article Life-Affirming Quotes About Human Connection, the anonymous author poses the idea that what draws us to others is not necessarily who they are rather how they make us feel. Maya Angelou is often credited with the statement, “People will forget what you said or did, however they will remember how you made them feel.” How do you want to make your partner feel and feel in return?

I work with adult ADHD couples who often misattribute behavior to not caring. A preponderance of the time this is not an accurate situation. I had a couple that I once worked with where the male patient called their partner names to tell them how their behavior has impacted them. We as humans often get lost in the muddle and use behavior and name calling to tell our partners how we feel. I see this day after day in my practice. The client would label the behavior and describe their partner’s behavior to tell the story of how that made them feel.

There is a major flaw with this approach. The way one interprets behavior is grounded in the meaning they make of the behavior, which is often not revealed. My partner speaks in metaphors and listens in literal. He can be direct, use explicit words, and appear agitated. Some would interpret that as rude. I interpret that as autistic. We often attribute behaviors based on how they were labeled as we grew up. In my family at social gatherings, the older generation were always served the meal first. My grandparents out of respect were served first, sat first, and were given reverence for their position in the family. However, my partners family at social gatherings the children were served first, sat first, and were tended to. When I saw his children cut in front of my parents when dinner was called, I labeled it as rude, he labeled it as tending. It is impossible to convey emotion and meaning from behavior.

Somedays I wonder where did we go so off kilter. I used to beat around the bush as my grandmother would call it, and ask “what just happened there?” when a partner called another partner names or went into the all-too-common “you, always, you, never, you said or did”. Then the partner’s ever-present super power of mind reading kicks in. Before I know it, the accusations, misattributions, and fortune telling has come into the session in full swing.

This brings me back to the idea of what draws us to others is not just what they do, it is how they make us feel. If we want to change how people or partners behavior makes us feel, we must tell them the feeling and stop describing or belittling the behavior. When we talk to our partners about important things like our feelings, we would be better served to think about what is that we are hoping to accomplish by what we are saying.

For instance, I had a client that told their partner they needed to act their age. This sent their partner into defense. Once they were in defense they no longer had the capacity to read the subtext, which was when you are late to a meeting, I feel anxious and embarrassed. The desired outcome was that the partner be on time to meetings the result was the partner felt alienated. Most couples come to therapy with the goal of increased connection, closeness-intimacy, and increased sexual frequency. When clients use criticisms of behavior to describe feelings they miss the mark.

Now if the goal is to make your partner feel hurt, pain, and alienated like their behavior made you feel, congratulations you are on the right track! However, if the goal is to enjoy increased commotion, closeness, intimacy, and increased sexual frequency, I might suggest another way.

I learned two new words today from my Hawaiian colleague that I would like to share. The first is kuleana. The word means responsibility, privilege, and concern. If we apply this word to our relationships, the question then becomes what is our responsibility in caring for this relationship, does our behaviors exemplify concern for our relationship, and what would change if we saw our relationships as a privilege? I often say to clients you get to be with each other. The other word is Akamai which means smart, intelligent, or clever. When we apply this concept to our relationships it reminds us to be smart, intelligent, and wise in our care of our relationship. What we say to our partners has a direct impact on whether we can reach our goals.

Before you speak, ask yourself, “What is my goal here? What do I hope to accomplish?” If it is connection and repair, try a little vulnerability and tell your partner that they matter to you. Then own your feelings and share your feelings not their behavior.