Sex & Autism 14: I don’t really want to do it, and I’ll do it with you

Last year, my wife and I found ourselves at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. Neither of us are country fans. My wife asked me if I wanted to see a concert there. “Not really. I’ll see one with you, though.” On the other hand, our autistic daughter said, “No. I don’t want to do that.”

I want to acknowledge there is a great difference between a parent-adult child relationship and a partner relationship. Part of me still wonders if our daughter has enough theory of mind to place herself into someone else’s head to compromise with an activity that’s not on her to-do list.

Here’s where we get to the part that can be difficult for autistics: seeing and valuing your partner’s wants and desires as equals to your own. To address this, let’s talk about theory of mind. Theory of mind is an ability to understand other people have intentions, desires, beliefs, perceptions, and emotions different from one’s own and that such intentions, desires, and so forth affect people’s actions and behaviors. In a nutshell, it’s an ability to think about what someone else might be thinking about and feeling, and that these thoughts and feelings are real to them as yours are to you.

I scored points with my wife when I saw she had a desire to attend the Opry and elevated those desires to where I could gain enjoyment in doing something with her. Closer to home, you can show how much you care about your partner when you help with their chores without being asked or plan a special event that means a great deal to them.

Make time to observe you partner’s desires, requests, and actions. If you’re not sure what’s important, ask for clarification. As you begin to understand your partner’s needs and desires, plan to meet their needs, even if occasionally you don’t get the same satisfaction that they do.

Your ability to elevate your partner’s desires is a strong statement you care and value them.